Okay. So I just decided half of this blog is going to be about personal stuff, too. In fact there will probably be very little fashion mentioned here... not till summer at least.
Spilling my guts:
I cannot even deal. I think I've cried at least four times today. My life is just one giant mess.
I'm going to try and get this all out so if it doesn't make sense, then I'm telling it right cause I don't even understand.
So. College. I hate school. I should not have jumped straight into college right after high school. My grades are suffering so much because I'm not in the right mindset.
I'm also trying to get an apartment with two other friends and since the only job I have only pays in May, August, and January I desperately need another one. I work for the school as an Orientation Leader and we start orientation during the summer. It's about once a week. My permanent address (where my parents live) is in Atlanta. That's two hours from my school. AND orientation is over night. PLUS I don't have a car. Do you see my predicament? If I live at home over the summer I would have to drive down (with my imaginary car) to Columbus on Thursday, spend that night (maybe at one of my friends' houses), then drive back to Atlanta on Friday and repeat that all summer.
My two friends and I were trying to get an apartment so I would live there over the summer and getting to orientation wouldn't be an issue. However I don't have the money to pay rent.
I brought this all up to my mom and she basically was like "I don't know what to tell you, you'll figure it out." Thanks.
Oh and not to mention I'm paying for my education completely by myself - through loans. My parents haven't spent a dime on my education. Oh wait... they rented a text book for me. Am I bitter? A little.
But today I got a notice saying that I couldn't get any more loan money (I thought maybe I could take out a summer loan to pay for the apartment) and my mom told me that my dad said I shouldn't have even joined O-team if I wasn't going to think this far ahead.
My parents were the ones that encouraged me sooo much to join O-team!!
It's rare that I'm legit angry at my parents, but now I am.
I'm mad that they literally won't help me in any way. I'm not talking about money, I'm talking about advice. (I haven't told my dad any of this though cause he hates one of the girls I plan on getting an apartment with. But I'm doing this for me.) My mom hasn't helped me at all. And it almost seems like she's throwing me under the bus.
Nobody understands. No one EVER understands. It's so frustrating. When I tell people my problems they just... it's like talking to a brick wall. Useless.
You don't understand. My parents have ALWAYS 100% been on my side, helping me, encouraging me. And I can't tell you how hurt I am over this. Betrayal is too strong, but it's close. Every time I think about this mess, I cry. I talk to my parents every single day. We have such a strong/close relationship. And I want absolutely nothing to do with them right now. I really hope my mom gets the message when I haven't texted in days.
But I'm so overwhelmed. That on top of school. I just can't bring myself to focus on anything. I can't force myself to do the work.
And to help with school I really want to join a sorority. Really bad. I truly think it will help me academically. But my gpa sucks. Not academic probation bad, but it's not a 2.75, which is what I need to get in. And this semester, I'm telling you now, is only going to drop my gpa even lower. I'm serious. I hate school. It's not for me. I have no idea why I'm here. But I'm stuck.
The only thing keeping my head up is O-team. They're my family. I love them all to death and probably would be on the verge of suicide if it weren't for them. And my parents know this!! THAT's also what frustrates me. O-team is the ONLY thing that makes me happy. I hate school, I hate that I'm not motivated, I hate that I can't get a job, I hate being stuck in this predicament.
I'm way passed a meltdown.
And I'm usually the type of person to not get super stressed. I typically remain annoying calm. Last semester I almost got kicked out of housing 3 times. But thankfully everything worked out. So why am I freaking out now?
Because my parents seem to have no faith in me. Maybe that's too quick to judge, but it just seems like it. I seriously just feel completely alone. I've never felt this alone. Amanda, I need to call you ASAP. You may just be the only person that can relate/help/give advice. You have no idea how much I miss you. You kept me sane last semester. You are such a beautiful person. I need a hug from you so badly.
I need my mommy. I need help. I need answers. I need God.
On that note I think I'm going to try to go to sleep.
Good night
